On The Real: My Eating Disorder
Hello My Lovelies,
Something that I've never really talked about to you guys, let alone anyone in real life, is about my eating disorder. I know many of you are familiar with the two most known disorders: Anorexia and Bulimia. But, I don't have either of the two disorders, my disorder is a little bit different. As a long of girls growing up, food and weight was always a touchy subject but I managed to hold strong and not have into my insecurities. It wasn't until I was in college and started working that I started to develop my illness. I'd go to school and not eat because I was embarrassed of having people look at me eating alone. So, I'd go to my car and eat as quickly as I could before class or I just wouldn't eat at all. Then, when I got my first job, it spiked up even more! I worked with a bunch of girls. Skinny girls. Like, tall model types with no curves and all legs. I, on the other hand, am short (I'm only 5'3) and I have an ass that has it's own gravitational pull and knocks things over all on it's own. Needless to say, I was always intimidated and pressured to be like them. When it was time for lunch, I'd see some girls eat small portions of salads, fruit or take a bite out of their fast food and then they were suddenly stuffed to the brim and throw their food away. It really hit me one day when I was on my lunch break when I worked at a shoe store at the mall. I was starved and had worked long hours due to the Christmas rush, I went to the food court and bought myself a soft pretzel with cheese sauce and rushed back to the shop to eat real quick before I had to be back on the sales floor. As I'm eating away in the back of the store and making sure I'm not in anyone's way, my coworker comes up to me and says "You ate the whole pretzel already?" and I was mortified. I was so embarrassed but I laughed it off and went back to work. From that moment one I realized how sick it made me feel and how much anxiety I had when I was around people and food. I decided to not eat in front of people anymore.
Let's fast forward to today. I still suffer from eating anxiety and I prefer to eat alone if the people around me aren't eating. If my boyfriend and I are together and I'm hungry but he's not, I'll wait just so I don't have to eat in front of him. My mother is a little odd when it comes to dinner time, she cooks dinner at 3-4PM and eats at that time and the rest of the family just grabs food whenever they're hungry. So when It's time for me to eat, I grab a plate and I hide in my room to eat so my grandma or mom can't see me eat. I get so self conscience when they see me serve myself food. I feel like they're judging me by the portions I serve myself. It's awful.
This mentality that I have has caused my weight gain. I eat at night (which is really bad for you) while everyone is out of the kitchen and asleep and I go to bed with a full belly and boom. Here I am 25-30 lbs heavier than I was before. I'm not sure what the specific name of my disorder is called but I know for a fact that it's not a normal mentality and isn't healthy.
If you suffer from anything similar to me, please know that you're not alone. I'm slowly starting to break out of my "self conscious shell" and starting to be more comfortable around food and people.
It's a slow process but I'm slowly getting there.
Something that I've never really talked about to you guys, let alone anyone in real life, is about my eating disorder. I know many of you are familiar with the two most known disorders: Anorexia and Bulimia. But, I don't have either of the two disorders, my disorder is a little bit different. As a long of girls growing up, food and weight was always a touchy subject but I managed to hold strong and not have into my insecurities. It wasn't until I was in college and started working that I started to develop my illness. I'd go to school and not eat because I was embarrassed of having people look at me eating alone. So, I'd go to my car and eat as quickly as I could before class or I just wouldn't eat at all. Then, when I got my first job, it spiked up even more! I worked with a bunch of girls. Skinny girls. Like, tall model types with no curves and all legs. I, on the other hand, am short (I'm only 5'3) and I have an ass that has it's own gravitational pull and knocks things over all on it's own. Needless to say, I was always intimidated and pressured to be like them. When it was time for lunch, I'd see some girls eat small portions of salads, fruit or take a bite out of their fast food and then they were suddenly stuffed to the brim and throw their food away. It really hit me one day when I was on my lunch break when I worked at a shoe store at the mall. I was starved and had worked long hours due to the Christmas rush, I went to the food court and bought myself a soft pretzel with cheese sauce and rushed back to the shop to eat real quick before I had to be back on the sales floor. As I'm eating away in the back of the store and making sure I'm not in anyone's way, my coworker comes up to me and says "You ate the whole pretzel already?" and I was mortified. I was so embarrassed but I laughed it off and went back to work. From that moment one I realized how sick it made me feel and how much anxiety I had when I was around people and food. I decided to not eat in front of people anymore.
Let's fast forward to today. I still suffer from eating anxiety and I prefer to eat alone if the people around me aren't eating. If my boyfriend and I are together and I'm hungry but he's not, I'll wait just so I don't have to eat in front of him. My mother is a little odd when it comes to dinner time, she cooks dinner at 3-4PM and eats at that time and the rest of the family just grabs food whenever they're hungry. So when It's time for me to eat, I grab a plate and I hide in my room to eat so my grandma or mom can't see me eat. I get so self conscience when they see me serve myself food. I feel like they're judging me by the portions I serve myself. It's awful.
This mentality that I have has caused my weight gain. I eat at night (which is really bad for you) while everyone is out of the kitchen and asleep and I go to bed with a full belly and boom. Here I am 25-30 lbs heavier than I was before. I'm not sure what the specific name of my disorder is called but I know for a fact that it's not a normal mentality and isn't healthy.
If you suffer from anything similar to me, please know that you're not alone. I'm slowly starting to break out of my "self conscious shell" and starting to be more comfortable around food and people.
It's a slow process but I'm slowly getting there.
Comments
Post a Comment