So This Is Love?
Hello Lovelies,
The motivation that influenced me to write this morning was actually a Facebook friend of mine, she posted a status saying "In a relationship you have to love all the details of a person and not just the details that are easy to like." BINGO. This struck me like a gong to the face. It made sense! Of course, I've heard this saying before but didn't really know how to interpret it and put it to play into my relationship. But, after having the revelation over the weekend on how I knew Iravin is the one and then this status floating in my news feed made total sense to me! She was right. You absolutely have to love every single aspect of the person you're committed to. In order to be happy and at peace, you have to accept the ugly to get the beautiful. To my boyfriend, it seemed very easy for him to accept my dark past with my self-harm, eating issues, depression and family issues. He took me in like a stray dog, helped me get my strength back, nursed me back to health and loved me so much and looked at me as if I was made of gold...but sadly I realized that I haven't been reciprocating the same luxury he's given me. He isn't perfect and has done things in his past that he isn't proud of but my job as his partner and (hopefully) to stay his partner is to accept that whatever he chooses to move forward from is in the past. He's moved on from his and my past but why am I can't figure out why I'm still caught up on his?
To touch bases with what I'm trying to convey is, Iravin and I come from two completely different upbringings and homes. He was raised by his full time working single mother with no siblings until much later while I was raised in a comfy household with my mom being a homemaker and my dad working and with my two older siblings and dogs. Both my parents are from El Salvador and both are VERY strict when it comes to raising their children. Hispanics and Catholics have extremely strict parenting. My older sister and I were not allowed to date..ever, could not go out to friends houses, no sleep overs, couldn't go anywhere alone, couldn't be outside when it was night time, had a strict curfew and weren't allowed to talk to boys on the phone. Yeah, seriously. While my brother was allowed to do whatever he pleased. Again.. Yeah, seriously! So unfair. But, if you're latino you know exactly what I'm talking about! While on the other hand, my boyfriend was had a very liniment upbringing and was pretty much allowed to do anything since he was home alone a lot of the time while his mom worked. So you can see the polar opposites to our childhood. So when it comes to our pasts, it was a culture shock to both of us since he couldn't believe how strict and hard my parents were on me while I was astonished at how go with the flow and "cool" his mom was for letting him do whatever he'd like. We're very different.
Continuing on my tangent on our pasts, like I said before, Iravin has done things that I never would have done in a million years and those "things" that he's done are hard for me to grasp and accept. I don't want to acknowledge his past and I don't want to accept it and I blame my upbringing for this. I was raised to not talk about "sticky" subjects. Don't mettle in other people's business. So therefore I know what has happened in his past, but I don't accept it. And those were my demons. I HATE his past, I hate who he was and who he used to be and do. But, if I expect to get the good out of him, I should be accepting of the bad. Although, to my knowledge, he has changed completely and has been completely honest with me and I'd like to think he changed for the better. It's now time for me to wrap my mind around what I want out of this relationship and run away from my fears of "What if.." All I know is that we are in the "now" and that's all I have control over. All that I have left is to have faith in our relationship and that it will carry us to were we need to be, whether it be apart or walking down the aisle years down the road. I can't put aside the negative about him and pretend that it doesn't exist. I've finally opened my brown eyes, took in a deep breath and let go...
I guess this IS love.
Over the weekend, I had a major epiphany regarding my relationship which struck fear into me. I was spending
the weekend at Iravin's place and we were just laying in bed, watching
"House" on Netflix and cuddling when I was hit right in the heart
with overwhelming emotions and feelings that still bring tears to my eyes. I
sat there, basking in the peace and quiet and truly enjoying him having his arm wrapped around me it was then when realiz4r
that we are so alike in so many ways but just as different as day and night and
this brought me to sobbing tears. I looked at him and I realized that at this
moment in my life, I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I knew I
loved him and I don't ever want to love anyone but him in this way. Of course, I knew I
love him in a romantic way but this time I knew that I loved him in a "I
want to make a family with you and grow old together" kind of love.
I sat up from bed and I climbed on top of him and just laid on him as if he was
the mattress and confessed every thought that was going on in my head. I have
to admit that when Iravin and I met and were in the "courting" phase
of our relationship, I honestly did not think it would come this far. I knew
that I had feelings for him and that I liked him but I didn't know, nor could I
EVER know, that our love would be so intense. I don't know about you, but this
scared me to my core. I'm only 22 years old and I think I may have found
"the one." Is this possible?
The motivation that influenced me to write this morning was actually a Facebook friend of mine, she posted a status saying "In a relationship you have to love all the details of a person and not just the details that are easy to like." BINGO. This struck me like a gong to the face. It made sense! Of course, I've heard this saying before but didn't really know how to interpret it and put it to play into my relationship. But, after having the revelation over the weekend on how I knew Iravin is the one and then this status floating in my news feed made total sense to me! She was right. You absolutely have to love every single aspect of the person you're committed to. In order to be happy and at peace, you have to accept the ugly to get the beautiful. To my boyfriend, it seemed very easy for him to accept my dark past with my self-harm, eating issues, depression and family issues. He took me in like a stray dog, helped me get my strength back, nursed me back to health and loved me so much and looked at me as if I was made of gold...but sadly I realized that I haven't been reciprocating the same luxury he's given me. He isn't perfect and has done things in his past that he isn't proud of but my job as his partner and (hopefully) to stay his partner is to accept that whatever he chooses to move forward from is in the past. He's moved on from his and my past but why am I can't figure out why I'm still caught up on his?
To touch bases with what I'm trying to convey is, Iravin and I come from two completely different upbringings and homes. He was raised by his full time working single mother with no siblings until much later while I was raised in a comfy household with my mom being a homemaker and my dad working and with my two older siblings and dogs. Both my parents are from El Salvador and both are VERY strict when it comes to raising their children. Hispanics and Catholics have extremely strict parenting. My older sister and I were not allowed to date..ever, could not go out to friends houses, no sleep overs, couldn't go anywhere alone, couldn't be outside when it was night time, had a strict curfew and weren't allowed to talk to boys on the phone. Yeah, seriously. While my brother was allowed to do whatever he pleased. Again.. Yeah, seriously! So unfair. But, if you're latino you know exactly what I'm talking about! While on the other hand, my boyfriend was had a very liniment upbringing and was pretty much allowed to do anything since he was home alone a lot of the time while his mom worked. So you can see the polar opposites to our childhood. So when it comes to our pasts, it was a culture shock to both of us since he couldn't believe how strict and hard my parents were on me while I was astonished at how go with the flow and "cool" his mom was for letting him do whatever he'd like. We're very different.
Continuing on my tangent on our pasts, like I said before, Iravin has done things that I never would have done in a million years and those "things" that he's done are hard for me to grasp and accept. I don't want to acknowledge his past and I don't want to accept it and I blame my upbringing for this. I was raised to not talk about "sticky" subjects. Don't mettle in other people's business. So therefore I know what has happened in his past, but I don't accept it. And those were my demons. I HATE his past, I hate who he was and who he used to be and do. But, if I expect to get the good out of him, I should be accepting of the bad. Although, to my knowledge, he has changed completely and has been completely honest with me and I'd like to think he changed for the better. It's now time for me to wrap my mind around what I want out of this relationship and run away from my fears of "What if.." All I know is that we are in the "now" and that's all I have control over. All that I have left is to have faith in our relationship and that it will carry us to were we need to be, whether it be apart or walking down the aisle years down the road. I can't put aside the negative about him and pretend that it doesn't exist. I've finally opened my brown eyes, took in a deep breath and let go...
I guess this IS love.
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