40,000 American's Committ Suicide Every Year...

Hello My Lovelies,  

     September 10th is National Suicide Awareness day and for those of you who don't me very well, I've suffered from depression for 10 years. And, as you could have guessed from the title, this is going to be a tribute to what September 10th means to me. Statistically speaking about 40,000 people kill themselves every single year in America. 40,000 people in America alone! Think about someone's daughter, son, mother, dad, sibling, boyfriend, girlfriend killing themselves every single day all over this nation. If that's not an eye opener, I honestly don't know what is. Like I mentioned earlier, I have suffered from depression for a whopping decade. I first learned of the chemical imbalance in my brain when I was 12 years old in Jr. High. I was constantly sad and crying. I didn't fit in with my friends, I didn't know how to dress or do my hair, I was awkward looking. It was a really hard time for me going into a new school with new kids and not knowing where I fit in. I wasn't white enough to chill with the white girls. I wasn't latina enough to chill with the Mexican girls. I wasn't a skater. I wasn't a prep. I wasn't a goth. I was kind of floating around. With that being said, I was a wreck mentally and emotionally. Coming into high school, things got better for me. I played soccer and volleyball although out high school and I finally found a clique I fit in with. I was happy but it never stayed that way. My self-harming really took off during my junior yet. Stressed out about school, always busy with sports, my parents marriage was failing, my siblings left the house and I was alone. I would harm myself in anyway that I could. I used to pierce myself with needles as deep as I could until I would draw enough blood and I was satisfied. I would slice my arms, stomach, breasts, hips, thighs and butt with a blade. I would pull my eyelashes out. I stopped eating and eventually my hair became to brittle and dry and actually started to fall out. Every time I would run my hands through my hair, I would pull clumps of hair. Yet, no one around me noticed.

     One of the most depressing feelings is having your entire world crumbling at your feet, the loud noises of everything falling apart around you yet no one looked in your direction. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I bottled up my feelings, stiffened my bottom lip and wiped the tears. Eventually, I overcame my depression, or so I thought, until I started dating this boy... It's always a boy..

     I was about 18 years old when my life completely spiraled out of control. I was in a very abusive relationship and my parents were going through a World War III divorce. My dad cheated and broke my mom's heart along with my siblings hearts. We were left in the dust, he ran off with his mistress and hasn't looked back at us since then. Still stings like putting salt to a wound. I was severely malnourished, I had given up eating all together. I was swimming in my clothes, again my hair was falling out at an alarming rate, I was constantly sick all the time and self harming myself was not cutting it for me. . . no pun intended. I inevitably relied on pills to make me feel..something! I was addicted to the pain killers. The reason I got my hands on the pills in the first place is because my brother had because he severely broke his foot and had extreme foot repair surgery and he moved back home so my mom could take care of him. I'd steal them away from him when he wasn't looking. The faster the pills went, the sooner he got his prescription refilled and the cycle began. I started with two pills and before I knew it, I was taking SIX vicodin's a night. When my brother was well enough to get off the pain killers, I switched to sleeping pills and Benadryl. I loved the way it made me feel so incredibly high when I felt nothing but pain everyday. I upped my dosage of Benadryl(since It was so accessible at the pharmacy) to about 8 a night. That night, I really didn't mean to take that many, I just wasn't feeling anything. Needless to say, I got help immediately and was taken to see a psychiatrist where I was put under suicide watch. That was sort of a wake up call for me and I realized what I was doing to myself and I was still very angry at my family for not picking up the signs and helping me. But, the wounds healed and I started to see the good in living. I got better.

     I am currently 22 years old and I still suffer from depression but I have combated my addiction to pills. Since then, my life has been slowly progressing but I am nowhere near where I'd like to be. But, I am thankful for the great people that I have in myself. I want to take a moment to show my appreciation for my amazing boyfriend, Iravin. He took me under his wing and nurtured me back to health. He would sit and listen to me cry and cry about all the pain I have inside. He has stuck by my side when I was injuring myself and if It wasn't for him, I would still be harming myself. He is the sweetest man I've ever known and essentially, a part of my recovery is because of him. He didn't look at me like an insane person and turn the other cheek. He wiped the tears away, held me tight and loved me relentlessly until he saw the life back inside of me. About 10 months ago, around thanksgiving I relapsed and started self harming again and my boyfriend came to me to help me. He kissed my cuts and sat there weeping that I've done this to myself yet again. I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes caused from what I did. That day I swore to never self inflict an injury on myself and since then I've stayed clean.

If you're suffering from depression, please speak out to someone. You are absolutely not alone. There are so many people battling the same condition as US and we all can get better. No life is more precious than the other and no life has less meaning the the next. If you ever need someone to talk to PLEASE check out this website Blah Therapy. They are "listeners" who will tend to you anonymously. No fear of being found out, discovered and no judgement! I use this website SO many times both as a venter and a listener. There is no shame in seeking help, even if it's through a keyboard. Do whatever it takes to get your inner thoughts out. Someone cares. I care about you and I love all of you. You're not a statistic and depression does not define you.

You're not done yet;








*No One Else Can Take Your Part photo taken from TWLOHA*