The hardest mountain to climb.

WHY!? I ask myself this probably on a daily basis. Why me? Why was I chosen to be plagued by this stupid illness? I hate having depression. I don't see colors the same when I'm depressed, food doesn't smell or taste the same...hell, the people around me aren't the same either. There's no way I can describe it to you unless you've ever suffered from an ultimate low point in your life. It's the constant feeling that if you happened to be walking down the street, you'd look at the cars pass by you wishing you'd have the courage to jump in front of them. It's the worst battle ever known to man and it's the worst feeling knowing that depression is coming for you. It's coming for you as if it were a cold, it's seizing your body like it's a cancer. It spreads to every inch of your body and sits there like a ton of rocks. Weighing you down and reminding you that you're stuck in the rut it wants you to be. 

I can feel it taking over my body. I get quieter. My nights are longer as I toss and turn, I wear more long sleeve shirts, just in case I slip and relapse. My appetite hardly exists anymore. I feel like I'm being held underwater. My depression tends to get more severe in the afternoon, when everyone has gone home, the day is winding down, and I get sad and start to cry. 

There are times where I'm genuinely happy and I feel better, almost as if I'm cured. Then there are times where it feels like it was taunting me the entire time and waiting for it's chance to pounce my soul. Depression is like climbing up a steep mountain. Just as long as you don't look up as you're climbing, you'll never see how much farther you have to climb. But, once you do look up and see that you've been circling the base of the mountain the entire time, that beautiful, rugged mountain turns into hell. I don't have an excuse to be sad but my head doesn't know any better. 
I cried the entire time I wrote this. I'm so sad that my tears just fall on their own now. 
I NEED to get out of this. I need to find the strength within me to shatter the glass box depression hold me in. I feel like I haven't seen the sun in ages or felt the brisk autumn air. Nothing is the same anymore and I'm starving. Not for food. I'm starving, fiending for a real smile, a genuine laugh. 


This doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I wish someone who suffers and has taken control of their depression could reach out to me and tell me that it gets better. Sometimes I don't think it ever will. In the mean time, I'll just keep telling myself that.