Live and Let Die
Hello My Lovelies,
As many of you have read my recent posts, you'd know that I'm currently going through a rough break up *sad violin plays in the background* but I'm slowly picking up the pieces. I've been doing a really great job at staying busy and getting myself out of the house to get myself in high spirits. I like to think as my blog as my own private outlet, I share things on here that I normally would never share on my Facebook, Twitter or even Tumblr page. I delve deeper into my emotions and thoughts on here, my public journal that not many people know about. I also get a better sense of anonymity since I don't have the pleasure of personally knowing my readers. These past couple of days have been rough. I've gone from full blown emotional break downs to being able to hold back my tears when I'm talking to people about it to not shedding a single tear anymore. The hole is slowly closing up again and that bottomless pit in my stomach is starting to lift. I'm happy. I'm laughing a lot more now and smiling without realizing. And, to be completely honest, a lot of my happiness and positivity has to do with my friend, Adrian. He has been there for me the entire break up and has listened to me rant and rant until the early ours of the night and has been so sweet throughout it all. Adrian, being the extremely blunt and straight forward person that he is told me his honest thoughts:
"Where you are standing right now is a level of uncertainty and confusion. He doesn't love you the way you want him to love you and all ties and promises ended once he left..."
As painful as it was to hear those words, he's absolutely right. There is nothing in this world that I can say to change my exes mind.. nothing I could do to bring him back because relationships and breakups don't work that way. I only have sole control over myself and how I choose to deal and process this break up and no one else can change that, just how I can't change my ex to process the breakup in a different form. These past couple of days have been stringing my damn self along into hoping, wishing, praying that there's a chance that he will want to get back with me but I know that it won't happen now. I'd get on bent knee's and ask God to please give me direction as to what to do. Do I give up? Do I remain hopeful that he will come back? I am so fucking confused. I'm lost. I didn't know what route to take up until very recently.
I can want and want and want until my heart is content but that will never guarantee me that he will be back. So I've decided to close this chapter and to close my heart up for good. It does me no good to leave my eyes, mind, heart and soul vulnerable to him potentially break my heart even more by him not returning to me so I'm throwing in the towel. I fought hard. I fought long, almost four years and even though things didn't always go in my favor, I always tried and I stayed. Now, there are no ties between him and I. No promises, no outlook on our futures together because there is no "us" anymore. Adrian is right, he doesn't love me the way I'm in love with him because you don't just abandon someone you say you love when you're going on four years of dating, talking about moving in, getting married and having children and cut me out of your life cold turkey the way he did. I love him more then he will ever know but I've been in a relationship with myself for 22 years and I love myself way, way more. Those of you who have gone through a hard breakup know when the time has come to accept and let bygones be bygones. I will ALWAYS have love for Iravin but I can't handle being in love with him from a distance. My heart has been hurt too much to allow myself to slowly put it through even more agony. I refuse. I will not be toyed with. I will not be strung along.
I am moving on. I don't want to keep holding on for nothing anymore.
"Where you are standing right now is a level of uncertainty and confusion. He doesn't love you the way you want him to love you and all ties and promises ended once he left..."
As painful as it was to hear those words, he's absolutely right. There is nothing in this world that I can say to change my exes mind.. nothing I could do to bring him back because relationships and breakups don't work that way. I only have sole control over myself and how I choose to deal and process this break up and no one else can change that, just how I can't change my ex to process the breakup in a different form. These past couple of days have been stringing my damn self along into hoping, wishing, praying that there's a chance that he will want to get back with me but I know that it won't happen now. I'd get on bent knee's and ask God to please give me direction as to what to do. Do I give up? Do I remain hopeful that he will come back? I am so fucking confused. I'm lost. I didn't know what route to take up until very recently.
I can want and want and want until my heart is content but that will never guarantee me that he will be back. So I've decided to close this chapter and to close my heart up for good. It does me no good to leave my eyes, mind, heart and soul vulnerable to him potentially break my heart even more by him not returning to me so I'm throwing in the towel. I fought hard. I fought long, almost four years and even though things didn't always go in my favor, I always tried and I stayed. Now, there are no ties between him and I. No promises, no outlook on our futures together because there is no "us" anymore. Adrian is right, he doesn't love me the way I'm in love with him because you don't just abandon someone you say you love when you're going on four years of dating, talking about moving in, getting married and having children and cut me out of your life cold turkey the way he did. I love him more then he will ever know but I've been in a relationship with myself for 22 years and I love myself way, way more. Those of you who have gone through a hard breakup know when the time has come to accept and let bygones be bygones. I will ALWAYS have love for Iravin but I can't handle being in love with him from a distance. My heart has been hurt too much to allow myself to slowly put it through even more agony. I refuse. I will not be toyed with. I will not be strung along.
I am moving on. I don't want to keep holding on for nothing anymore.
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