Moment of Clarity

      This past Sunday was the day that I had the rudest awakening that I really needed to set myself straight. To give you the low down, I was destroying my relationship and my boyfriend was just going with the script. Sadly, I knew deep down inside myself that the way that I was pursuing our relationship was catastrophic. I turned into a manipulative and controlling person towards my boyfriend and the kind heart that he is, he simply took all the bullets without making a sound. 

I guess that's what love really is. No he's not "whipped" and he's no less of a man than the next because he put up with me for so long but he honestly truly loves me.
For the longest time, I swore up and down that I knew what was right for my relationship and that every time we fought that it was his fault. I was wrong. I don't know everything and just because I've had more serious relationships than him doesn't make me an expert. 

     Sunday was the Super Bowl as most of you know, and I had agreed to go along with my boyfriend to his best friends house for a S.B party. We were all having a great time. I do not smokers. I hate the smell of cigarettes, I hate the way he smells after one, I hate the way his breath smells/tastes. I just don't like it plus, I have asthma and it really makes my breathing issues act up. So he voluntarily gave up smoking for a really long time, although he never decided to quit but he realized he was healthier without it so I was proud of him for taking such a long break from smoking. On Super Bowl Sunday, he mentioned that he wanted to smoke and I said "I don't want to fight, you better not smoke."... Yeah, I really did say that. And, of course him not wanting to fight in front of his friends he just brushed my comment off and continued to watch the Pre-game. His best friend is a barber so he gets his hair cut for free so he decided to take advantage of the time before the Seahaws vs Bronco's game started. About ten minutes into his cut, I decided I wanted to leave my purse in the car since all I needed was my phone and I didn't want to keep holding onto it so I walk outside to ask for the keys and there he is blowing out smoke and passing the cigarette back to his friend. I was livid. I asked him to take me home and be obliged. After his cut he raced me home(he was upset that I yet again, pulled a stunt like this) and we fought for about an hour in front of my house. The malicious person inside of me wanted him to miss that stupid football game and I did everything within my power to make sure it stayed that way. I fought and he fought and of course, I had the mentality that I was the victim... Boy, was I wrong.

     My boyfriend is a very passive man. He is not an argumentative person even in the slightest bit. But, that day he was hollering and screaming right back at me and that's when I looked into his eyes and realized all the pain and hurt that I had put him through. His eyes were heartbreaking and I could tell he wanted to cry. He was telling me how I'm changing him and how I want him to be this guy and that guy. He doesn't feel like himself anymore and that he's lost himself. He's jumping through hoops and doing front flips and back flips to make me happy but that isn't enough for me. He was right. I did the most horrible thing a person and didn't accept him for who he was. Albeit, his life style choices were horrid before he met me, that was in fact, who I fell in love with.

     I know that bickering is all apart of a relationship but we've fallen into a rut that is not part of a normal partnership. We hated each other. He hated me for making him do things he didn't want to do and I hated him for not listening to my commands. This was going no where, fast. I will never forget that day. It was as if the skies had opened up and a light shone onto me and slapping me in the face. I never in my life felt so guilty. He was absolutely right about me turning into my ex(who is the most manipulative person on earth.) I had fought so hard to make sure that my boyfriend didn't try to control me.. that I ended up being a replica of what I ran away from.

     Although, later that day we ended up making up and went back to the S.B party, he was still very stand off-ish. Hardly talking to me, very little affection and getting the silent treatment but at that point, I felt that I deserved every ounce of hurt and sadness. We ended up leaving the party and we kissed goodbye... I went home sobbing my eyes out. I went to bed with blood shot eyes and a hole in my heart. I felt miserable. I felt as if I've killed every speck of happiness that has ever existed in the world. I could not sleep for I was too caught up replaying the argument over and over again in my head and realizing that I've put this man through so much hardship for way too long and he STILL stayed faithful, loyal and loves me more than anything. I need to change before I lose him. 

     The next day it was just a mash up of the day before, no sleep so it all blended as one. He went to work and it's his busy season so he was hardly texting me and that was the worst. Although I'm used to having a couple hours between texts and so forth, but Monday(being the day after our fight) I had nothing to do but to think and replay what happened in between his texts. I still felt as if a truck had hit the lights out of me. I didn't eat much, couldn't talk to anyone and I laid in bed all day and silently crying to myself. I've never felt to beneath myself and I was weighed down by guilt and it felt like I was carrying the weight of the world inside my heart. 

     As my phone rang at about 10 o'clock at night, I knew my boyfriend was calling to say goodnight. Once I answered the phone I automatically burst into tears and apologized in the best way that I could and explained to him how horribly I felt and all the guilt that was inside of my heart and he said to not to be sad anymore, he forgave me. He said "Margie, you don't have to feel bad. Yes, it wasn't fair what you did but you know this now and I can only hope that WE can work on this together. I wasn't sure where we were heading after this and I thought about us breaking up but after seeing your reaction to just hearing my voice and how much you feel for me, I know that you really unfathomably love me. " And he is right, there are no limits. I love him unconditionally and I regret every single argument that I ever brought upon us. But, there's nothing that I can do about the past. We can only move forward in hopes that everything will sort itself out right like we used to be. Wednesday night was the first time I saw him after the big argument and at first I felt nervous. I felt like it was a first date and not knowing what the outcome would be. I felt anxious as if I knew he was going to leave me but I didn't know when he was going to break the news to me. I was paranoid. After going out to eat for dinner, we sat and talked and I explained to him how I felt anxious and worried that things weren't going to be the same. He grabbed my hand from across the table, kissed it and said nothing. He looked at me in a kind of way that made me bashful. That hadn't happened for a really long time. He simply smiled at me and my insides melted! And, just like he said, nothing changed. We love each other the same if not more than we did before. He held me in his arms a little tighter, kissed me a little deeper and held onto my hand as if he never wanted to let go. Now there's no mistaking it. He is the one, he is my future.

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