Let's get a little serious♥

I Have A Confession

I suffer from depression

 Yes, you read the title correctly. I have a long history of battling with depression on top of Cyclothymatic bipolarsm. I never really knew that I suffered from any hormonal/emotional disorders until high school. 

When I was younger, my parents marriage got really rocky. My dad had a job that forced him to be out of the country(Mexico) 5 days out of the week. He carried on this job since I was 5 years old.. Mind you, I'm 21 years old now and he's still working at the same job. Evidently, I never got to see my dad. My mom hated him being away, they fight, they stopped talking, stop sleeping in the same room, didn't eat in the same area and they were completely fine with their facade. It wasn't until Jr. High school that I started getting really down on myself. The depression was always there but I first noticed it in 7th grade..

In 7th grade, I started self harming myself. First, it was scratching my legs to the point of bleeding, then biting and pinching myself, then ultimately it lead to cutting. I used to cut my arms -- very badly, and no one noticed. Not my siblings or parents. No one at school, no teachers or friends noticed. And, at that moment is when I realized that I was in control of what I would do to my body and I could get away with it. 

In 8th grade, my self harm evolved into harming my eating habits, I'd starve myself then I'd binge. I starved myself again and I'd stuff my face to the point of making myself involuntarily vomit from my fullness. It really was NOT about my weight that I was worried about, I didn't care what the scale said, I liked the feeling of doing things I shouldn't be doing and getting away with it. I'd turn on the shower and I'd throw up because I knew that I was hurting my body. All aspects of weight issues is out of the question, I was not anorexic or bulimic so please get that misconception out of the way. 

I enjoyed hurting myself and I couldn't really figure out why. 

In high school, things shifted for me. I was busier, played more sports, had more friends, was dating and I sort of forgot what self harm did to me and it went like that for the entirety of my high school years but the thought of harming myself never fully went away. I would occasionally cut when I failed a test or a stupid boy hurt me or I got into a fight with my friend. But nothing serious. 

The most severe episode that I had in my entire life was actually RIGHT after graduating high school. I was dating a boy that I thought was the man of my dreams and that I'd marry him and have millions of babies with him. Until he hurt me. Not physically but he played games with my head and knew of ways to get under my skin and emotionally hurt me and exhaust me. Like I mentioned before. I suffer from Cyclothymatic bipolarism which is a less severe case of Bipolarism and the feeling of irrational outbreaks is very sporadic and less damaging. Carrying on, he knew this. He knew I had a history of self harming and of my mental disorder and he did everything within his power to break me. 

At this point, my parents marriage was completely shattered. My dad cheated on my mom, my mom found out, my dad packed his belongings and took off and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. And, witnessing a person who's biologically programmed to love me unconditionally for the rest of our lives, abandoned me when I needed someone there for me the most. My daddy left me and hasn't made an attempt to mend things or even apologized for it. I was alone. I hated my mom because she too was depressed and we didn't understand each other, my siblings are married and out of the house, my boyfriend was an asshole but he was a male figure I could use to replace my dad. I was brainwashed to completely look past everything my ex did to me because I CRAVED a mans attention since I couldn't get it form my dad. 

My ex was the meanest person I've ever known. He hurts me, yelled in my face, ridicule me, insult me, tell me that i'm nothing and I won't amount to anything...but I loved him. 

I was 18/19 years old when I fell into the deepest depression of my life. I was not eating. I wasn't taking in any fluids, my hair was falling out, I was pale and weak all the time, I was dropping weight like crazy and none of my clothes fit me. They were all too big for me. And again, no one noticed. This was the skinniest I've ever been my entire life. I weighed about 114 here, when my average weight 135. Before and after photos. First photo is me at my skinniest and second photo is me *PROUDLY* flaunting my healthy 140 lbs body. I'm not ashamed.

    

It may not look like a drastic weight but trust me, it was for me. I started taking pain killers to help me sleep at night. I upped my dosage every time. 1, 2, 4, up to 6 codeine's a night! I was slicing my arms, my thighs, my boobs, my hips, my stomach and any place I could cut. I wouldn't eat because I didn't have an appetite anymore and my hair was so thin and brittle.

I tried to kill myself one night after I got into a fight with my ex. I hung up the phone, turned it off, found my pills and took as many as I could take and I started cutting myself deeper than I ever have. My ex told my sister that he thought I'd be in trouble, my sister called my mom and my mom rushed into my room and found me. Took me to the ER. I got my stomach pumped, my cuts bandaged up and I was emitted into the inpatient program for 2 days. I WAS HELD IN THE HOSPITAL AS A MENTALLY ILL PERSON! I've never seen my family so worried for me and so hurt. It was me who caused it and that whole idea alone kept me in depression as well.

I was forced to go into therapy, I'd see her twice a week, I was on suicide watch and was never allowed to close the door or be alone. My sister moved back in (mind you, she's married and has her own life) but she came to stay with us so she could help out my mom. I had to eat at the dinner table at every meal and I wasn't allowed to leave until I ate every bite. I had to pee with the door open. I had to answer every single phone call, I wasn't allowed to be around sharp objects(if I needed something to be cut like a package, I'd have to wait until someone was home to do it for me.) My life for a whole 6 months was hell, but it was my fault. I had some tests run on me and my doctor found that my hormone levels were off the chart and prescribed me, as I like to call them, happy pills. Except, they didn't really make me all that happy, but instead they put me in a fog where I was very boring, quiet, calm and I felt relaxed all the time.  After my medication, suicide watch, and therapy sessions..my therapist stated "Margie's remission to her extreme past behavioral conduct is to no avail." Meaning that the odds of me falling back into the way that I was, is really slim and likely to never happen again.  Which is true so far, but I do get my fits of depression here and there and I have relapsed a couple of times on my self harming but nothing too severe.

It's been 3 years now since my near death experience and I can happily say that I'm better. I now have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet who treats me well, has a beautiful soul and is in love with me as much as I am of him. I wouldn't be the way that I am today if it wasn't for him. Although I have to admit that I do make it difficult for him at times since I still have my 'daddy issues' but he knows I don't mean any harm. 

I don't have a problem with my bipolarism anymore, my depression is very VERY contained, and I no longer have a weight problem. Actually, I've gained a little too much weight from going out to eat with my boyfriend lol but that can all be changed :)

I'm happy. I'm healthy. I'm in love and I'm alive! 

For those of you who think that it can't get better from your stand point, believe me. I'm living proof that it can all change. Happiness is a choice and it's up to you to obtain it. 

Much love,

Margie♥